


Debrief

by Flora (florahart)



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Microfic, Nick Fury cannot believe this shit, Thor talks to animals, not hulk fault, rated R for ridiculous, sometimes plans don't go according to plan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-21
Updated: 2012-09-21
Packaged: 2017-11-14 17:24:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/517697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/florahart/pseuds/Flora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hulk doesn't respond well to rodents.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Debrief

**Author's Note:**

> Kinkmeme prompt for [fluff in which Hulk was afraid of something not actually scary.](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/10266.html?thread=22658586#t22658586)

"So, is someone going to explain to me WHY in the fuck my crack team of goddamn superheroes apparently took a NAP this afternoon in the midst of a motherfucking ALIEN INVASION?"

Phil sighs. "Sir, it seems there was a problem with Hulk."

"Oh, WAS there, now? And what might that be?"

"Hang on, I have Steve, um, Captain America's report right here."

"Oh, good. I wouldn't want you to paraphrase for expedience or anything."

"He says, and I quote, _I redirected Iron Man to ascertain the nature of Hulk's problem, but Hulk grabbed him out of the air and used him as a human shield._ "

"Against WHAT?"

"Squirrel, sir. Hulk is apparently terrified of squirrels."

"Okay, THAT is goddamn ridiculous."

"I hear you, sir. Anyway, Widow went in next to talk Hulk down--you know she's been working with him--and evidently he decided she was in grave danger, because her, he picked up onto his shoulder and wouldn't let her go."

"And everyone else? Did ANYONE manage to escape the insanity?"

"Cap was busy trying to get Iron Man loose. Hawkeye shot into the ground next to the fearsome squirrel, which scared it off, but then Hulk got mad at him for missing, so then everyone had their hands full keeping Hulk from expressing his outrage at Clint."

"And where was Thor during all this?"

Phil flips the page. "Talking to the squirrels. Trying to get them to clear the area, but he says, _Squirrels have not the intellect for complex assignments. I was able only to suggest they might locate many and varied nuts to the south, but only the majority took my suggestion._ "

"And how did that work out?"

"Hulk stopped trying to kill Hawkeye when a stampede of squirrels ripped through the park from north to south, sir. That's the good news. On the down side, it was apparently traumatic enough for him that he sat down--on Iron Man--and refused to budge for a good twenty minutes."

"Phil, when you took this job, did you think there would be days like this?"

"Days when a green man the size of the six other biggest guys I know retreats into catatonia over cute fluffy-tailed rodents while a god, a guy powered by a reactor, and a reanimated World War II veteran in an extremely patriotic suit try to rein him in? Sir, I did not."

"Good. I was beginning to fear I had just lacked sufficient imagination."

"No, sir, I think any expectation of this day might have qualified you for discharge, had you stated it aloud."

"So, the aliens are taken care of now?"

"Took care of it."

"Banner awake?"

"And embarrassed."

"Helicarrier refueled for tomorrow?"

"Not my job, sir, but I expect Hill has everything in hand."

"Very good."


End file.
